I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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