i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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