i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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