Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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