Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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