she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
