If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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