How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
