I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
