please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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