shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
