I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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