I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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