I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
