i already hear my dad disowning me
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
