i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
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