Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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