Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Randomize
