dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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