He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
