but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
