even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
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