just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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