I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
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The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
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Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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