wanna go halves on a baby?
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
