Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
They took my balls.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
