My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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