Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
