i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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