I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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