I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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