She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
