yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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