I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Randomize
