i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
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You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
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There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life