I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
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You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
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Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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