Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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