Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
