Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
