the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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