The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
