So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
