Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
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Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
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He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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