So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
i would punch a child for taco bell
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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