I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
