The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
