i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
PANTIES FOUND
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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