Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
When are your genitals available?
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
