So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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