Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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