You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Randomize
