the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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