i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Randomize
