I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
We talked him into tasing himself.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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