I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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