I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
Farmville is her only friend.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
