ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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