either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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