my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
You have to summon your inner elephant
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
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