More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.