So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
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The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
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It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Then again, he has huge mansions.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy