my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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