I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
