I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Randomize
