dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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